Wednesday, April 04, 2001

i am back.

i am sitting in my dorm, waiting or the phone to ring, so that i may hear from my boyfriend. he has been all i could think about today... and there is no way i will get to see him or talk to him, for many reasons but mostly because he is mad at me. i don't understand where it is that i always mess things up, but i always seem to.

so after my post monday, things hit the fan! i sent the link to my friend to try and explain to her what i was feeling, and well let just reitterate how badly the shit-hit-the-fan!

things ironed out that night, then tuesday got bad again, then tuesday night ironed out again, then the ended horribly. welcome to my dramtic relationships! will the drama ever end? i don't know how much more of this i can take!

~jw

Monday, April 02, 2001

wow, its been a while.

its funny ya know? a quick catchup, my boyfriend and i are back together, and things have been great. we had an arguement last night, and i thought the worst, but tonight that all changed.

i went to my philosophy class tonight, and we watched the movie _shadowlands_ and it tought me a very valuable lesson. for the first time in a while i understand what i have to do in my life, and that is very compforting.

i learned a question that i have long questioned: "why do we love?" and when we love, knowing that love is going to bring so much pain, knowing this we still allow ourselves to become weakened to that reality. what i learned tonight, however, brings justification to our gullability.
*it was stated best by author and philosopher c.s. lewis "we love reguardless of pain because that pain is part of the happiness..."

and now in that i find that i have only grown from all of this. i loved when i knew disaster would strike, and the pains i experience are direct evidence of the happiness that i experienced.
---------------------------
many things happened in my life last night, i burned some final bridges, and now i realize those bridges will never be rebuildable. i used manipulation to find truth, and deception to create chaos in order to finalize order in my mind. i never believed in the yin-yang theory till i experienced it so close to heart. i have validated in my mind how cold hearted, and oblivious to the concepts of love and friendship i truely am. i now see that it took the experience of utter pain, and agony to show me that i don't know how to love purely. i see now how much i have to learn, and to find out how to love. i have used the people closest to my heart in a cruel sick game to prove to myself of my immaturity, and lack of understanding, and sensitivity to the emotions and feelings of other people. and now here i sit, in my dorm, typing these misconfigured words, and meaningless ramblings of an empty mind, and broken heart. i can smell defeat all around me, and know it is only because i brought it upon myself. it is a cruel awakening as to how shallow and meaningless i have become, and how empty my heart is to comfort.

so where do i go from here? i don't know. away. far away. i will recieving a check soon for a couple thousand dollars, it should be enough to take care of a few months of rent in a apartment someplace. i just don't know what else to do. i have nowhere to turn, no one to call my friend because i have closed myself off to everyone. and now, again i sit. i will run as i always have, and i will fail as i always have. this pain that i know live, and the reality i have created for myself has been tought to me by the worst teacher of all, experience. but as c.s. lewis says, pain is the evidence of happiness. the times i have shared with those around me here i have been happy, and have loved, and will remember and cherish forever, but i can see no solution except for moving on.
------------------------------
and that in a nutshell is the rude awakening that i learned tonight as i sat crying in the dark lecture hall watching as c.s. lewis was destroyed by the life he created for himself, and how the life of one women who came into his life, shattered his false reality showing him how weak of a life he had created for himself. i couldn't help but weap to the reality of how close i related to him, and his life.

---> funy isn't it how some of the simplest things can rock the boat?
wow, its been a while.

its funny ya know? a quick catchup, my boyfriend and i are back together, and things have been great. we had an arguement last night, and i thought the worst, but tonight that all changed.

i went to my philosophy class tonight, and we watched the movie _shadowlands_ and it tought me a very valuable lesson. for the first time in a while i understand what i have to do in my life, and that is very compforting.

i learned a question that i have long questioned: "why do we love?" and when we love, knowing that love is going to bring so much pain, knowing this we still allow ourselves to become weakened to that reality. what i learned tonight, however, brings justification to our gullability.
*it was stated best by author and philosopher c.s. lewis "we love reguardless of pain because that pain is part of the happiness..."

and now in that i find that i have only grown from all of this. i loved when i knew disaster would strike, and the pains i experience are direct evidence of the happiness that i experienced.
---------------------------
many things happened in my life last night, i burned some final bridges, and now i realize those bridges will never be rebuildable. i used manipulation to find truth, and deception to create chaos in order to finalize order in my mind. i never believed in the yin-yang theory till i experienced it so close to heart. i have validated in my mind how cold hearted, and oblivious to the concepts of love and friendship i truely am. i now see that it took the experience of utter pain, and agony to show me that i don't know how to love purely. i see now how much i have to learn, and to find out how to love. i have used the people closest to my heart in a cruel sick game to prove to myself of my immaturity, and lack of understanding, and sensitivity to the emotions and feelings of other people. and now here i sit, in my dorm, typing these misconfigured words, and meaningless ramblings of an empty mind, and broken heart. i can smell defeat all around me, and know it is only because i brought it upon myself. it is a cruel awakening as to how shallow and meaningless i have become, and how empty my heart is to comfort.

so where do i go from here? i don't know. away. far away. i will recieving a check soon for a couple thousand dollars, it should be enough to take care of a few months of rent in a apartment someplace. i just don't know what else to do. i have nowhere to turn, no one to call my friend because i have closed myself off to everyone. and now, again i sit. i will run as i always have, and i will fail as i always have. this pain that i know live, and the reality i have created for myself has been tought to me by the worst teacher of all, experience. but as c.s. lewis says, pain is the evidence of happiness. the times i have shared with those around me here i have been happy, and have loved, and will remember and cherish forever, but i can see no solution except for moving on.
------------------------------
and that in a nutshell is the rude awakening that i learned tonight as i sat crying in the dark lecture hall watching as c.s. lewis was destroyed by the life he created for himself, and how the life of one women who came into his life, shattered his false reality showing him how weak of a life he had created for himself. i couldn't help but weap to the reality of how close i related to him, and his life.

---> funy isn't it how some of the simplest things can rock the boat?

Wednesday, March 14, 2001

once again a late night.... and too much on my mind.

*sighs*

i spoke to my mother tonight about everything going on... first time in a long time. what she said is helping. i spend some time with some old friends as well, and they are helping me along. i just miss the though of knowing that i no longer am with him. i spoke briefly with him last night, and he told me he loved me... so that is something to hold on to. he was on and offline 2 times today, both times not saying anything to me. i came home tonight hoping to see him online, but he is not. i just need to move on, and give it the time he needs. i just wish it wasn't so damn hard. i miss him.

enough for now...

~jw
well this is new for me, but i think it might be theraputic if i can just ramble here.

things are hard lately... its been 2 days since my boyfriend broke up with me, and it am finding it hard to find any motivation for anything. i cared about him so much and now i am being denied that. he tells me it is only temporary, and i want to believe him, i really do. i have talked to a few people, and only 1 person has said they feel he will come back. i pray that he is correct. its just living without him in my life doesn't seem complete... i know i sound obsessive, but in actuality, i am merely hopelessly in love.

and so i will wait for however long it takes, and will wait the day that he will come back to me, and wish me back into his life, and then that day will become one of the happiest days of my life... until then, i will work to find happiness, and motivation to continue on.

~jw